There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
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I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
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God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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