Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
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