Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
