Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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