oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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