Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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