so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
