it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
