i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
