The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
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