Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
