My liver just broke up with me...
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
