i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I party with great urgency now.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
