He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
did i just pee glitter
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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