Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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