I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
whose ass print is on the piano?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
