I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
