My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
