true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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