just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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