OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
