Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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