I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
