Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
