Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
