I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
