I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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