dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
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You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
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I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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