Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
