Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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