There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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