Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
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There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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