dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
