If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
