I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
People in love make me want to vomit
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
