the condom got lost in my hair
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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