Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
