guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
