My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
