i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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