drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
