He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
