I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
