do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
