guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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