Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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