Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You ruined the universe
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
