Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
