Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
