i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
