just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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