im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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