xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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