When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
