I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
