My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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