so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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