My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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