Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
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