she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
