i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
