Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
It was like giving head to a cactus.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
