i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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